R.I.P

So Saturday was a rainy, sad, day.

I attended a comittal service for my sister-in-law Kaite who passed in January at the very young age of 30. You know, I just don't get these things. When I was younger, I was dead set against going to any funeral. I missed my Grandfathers. I was 11. I was like, how can anyone tell me this is how it is, people die. They would say, "He is in good hands with God. It will be okay." Yeah, well, God is doing a real sucky job of making me feel better right now. For years, I was like how can God take away the people that I love.

As I got older, in my late teens and early 20's I started to accept that people do die and it's going to happen to everyone someday. Although, doesn't mean I am any more okay with it then I was when I was 11. I remember being asked by my grandmother to attend my uncle Bud's funeral. So, I did. I swallowed my selfish opinions and feelings for her. And boy, did I HATE every minute of it!! People would say, you should go to these things out of respect for the ones who are mourning. Truth be told, I have a harder time than anyone will ever know with seeing someone after they pass. I always prefer to remember them laughing and smiling. And unfortunately, seeing them after they pass hangs with me and I cannot ever get that image out of my head and for me, it's like a nightmare that just won't go away.

My Grandmother on my Mom's side was the first ever wake I ever went too, I was 26... and the first time where I actually could not control my feelings. I would sit there and just start crying. I would try so hard to hold back but I physically couldn't it. I was a pallbearer for her funeral and when I put my hand on the casket, I felt as if she was holding my hand. I really cannot explain it... I miss her terribly. And you know, I always want to talk about her when I am with family but I don't.

Okay, this was not intended to be a blog about every funeral I went too... but it kind of just happened. I just don't get it. At the commital service, they asked that we get a rock they were passing around and to write something on it that reminded us of her... um, that just seemed selfish to me. How does writing on a rock that you thought she was fun or a good friend or sister do anything for her. Maybe it does something for us but not her. My rock said, "Your Burdens are no more. R.I.P"

Yeah, I have been told a million times that I am selfish for thinking what I do and I need to show respect and it's part of life.

You know what... if you think that of me then you don't know me very well. I treasure my family and friends more than I could ever possibly explain to someone.

Katie, I love you and I miss you!!